1 A.M. Pancakes

The dogs are already asleep when you call
Rose and I are the only ones awake in the house
Smiling emojis and a question
“Want us to swing by?”
And it is 1 a.m.

I smile at Rose, and text that I was just about to sleep
but pause, because my sister looks thoughtful
So I feel thoughtful
And I don’t want to sleep

We wait for you on the porch
No bra, no shoes, no plans of any kind
When the car pulls up I wonder if we still get along
And then the two of you tumble out onto the curb
Bright eyes, bright clothes, blue hair in my mind
Your feet have not hit soil before you are
shrieking
Delighted to see us, as we are suddenly
overwhelmed
By how much we have missed you
Isolation had been so complete
So quiet and protected
I had forgotten that you could appear
at 1 a.m.
And turn the world askew

You fumble a kiddy-burger into my hand
And throw your arms around my neck
And I have never been so awakened
To my heart bursting for someone
You take turns telling me why you’re here
And laughing because Blue lost her dad
And she can’t cry anymore
So she has no choice but to laugh

Baby-Belle holds up sparklers for inspection
Even though independence day
Is only just now starting
She threatens to set them off
anywhere and
everywhere
And I laugh because I have never been
Threatened with happiness and sparklers

You say you’re hungry
Because you didn’t want to eat
The burgers that you bought
You will pay, you promise, if we can just
Go get a.m. pancakes

I don’t know how my shoes and mask
Get added to my ensemble and
We are tumbling off into the night
I blame you: Rose and Blue and Baby-Belle
We nearly get lost in the world’s smallest home town

Covid19 at 1 a.m. in nowheresville:
It looks abandoned at the restaurant
A lone figure slips inside through the
Strangely foreboding doors
We tell Baby-Belle she’s bravest
And make her go investigate
She darts out and the comes hurtling back
Her anxiety meds must be strong
And ours weak: she’s happy and laughing a riot
She says “It’s Open!” And we all tumble inside
I am dragging my feet
Half out of anxiety and half
To cherish this strange moment
That we always have with you two
But I had forgotten in the long, long in-between
My isolation has made me forgetful, I’m afraid…

The boy who takes our order hates the mask
He has to wear for regulations’ sake
We pull off ours since there is no one else around
And we can’t drink or eat with them on
Orders and conversation pass
around the table
Blue doesn’t like Pancakes
Rose doesn’t eat meat
I always order the steak tips which are
Sweeter than pancakes
They give rose the wrong order
And Belle gives me a piece of French toast
Prattle fills the air

The poor boy who waits on us is bored
And amused all at once
He has more tattoos and piercings than I ever will
He is older than you two, and
Younger than Rose and me
He brings us water after water
And ties wrappers into bows to please us
I know he will get too small a tip, because
I left my wallet at the house
And Rose lost her card
So Belle will pay for us,
And will only tip him a few dollars
Just under the normal amount
Because it is easier to say ‘keep the change’
I hope I see that boy again, so I
Can give him the huge tip that Rose insists upon

The time flies in the early morning hours
Before we know it
It’s after three
And we are tumbling back out into the humid night
False threats and joke at death’s expense
Fill the air as we
Make our tiered way back home
We are not meant to be so happy and so sad
We murmur exhaustedly to
One another in the lamplight
And hug and stroke each other’s hair
And just like that
The 1 a.m. pancakes are gone
You drive away
And we make our way to bed

The Visitor

The visitor makes his rounds around the front room

Rubbing shoulders, dispensing advice and hugs

So long – so lonely – since we’ve talked like this

Mama prattling excitedly, tossing her hair while

On the floor her dog waits patiently for his turn

To receive her attention and her hair-tosses

Once our visitor has left, and she returns to him

The visitor stands behind my sister’s gold curls

He listens in rapt attention as we toss the conversation

Back and forth like a beach ball: buoyant and summery

He studies astrology and numerology and

He moves his fingers lazy along his wrists

Passing energy between his hands in oceanic waves

The cluttered table doesn’t distract us from our

Long overdue conversations and anecdotes

We let the words flow eagerly among us

Allow the currents to carry us this way and that

Enneagram numbers, chakra work, star charts,

Numerical personalities, and the year of the horse

We babble to him and he babbles back our

United voices stirring the warm air in our southern

Home: it had been no more than a house not long ago

Now here we sit: our isolation staved off for just one day

Our laughter and our sympathy ringing back and forth

As the sun shines on the front porch, and the wind

Blows the honeysuckle vines across the window

To cast shadows on the floor between our feet

Soon he will return to his journey, and we

We will return to our everyday solitude as we were

But for these scarce hours we talk about nothing

And everything, our hands traversing one another’s

Shoulders, easing tension from the aching joints

Letting it seep out in relief like the days of isolation

Do You See Us?

Do you see me?

I am another face
blended into the others
No bigger or smaller than they are
No better or worse
No more or less special
Do you see me?

I have done imperfect things
I have hated and cried
I have broken and rebuilt
Do you see me?

I am still who I was
when I was younger
I am already who I will be
When I am older
I am good
and bad
and in between
And the thing which isn’t
Good
or bad
or anything else
Do you see me?

I am gay
And straight
And female
And male
And a mess
I am a little bit boring
And a little fascinating
I whine when I
should keep my mouth shut
And stay silent when I
Should talk to someone
Do you see me?

I believe in God
I believe in science
I believe in beauty and pain
I believe in hope and hopelessness
I believe more than
Almost anyone I know
I believe everyday
But I don’t want to
Believe blindly
The way I used to
Do you see me?

If I am Joan of Arc
On my crusade
Riding through war
And through hellfire
To follow my God
Do you see me?

If I am a stranger
In an even stranger land
A nomad
A wanderer
A wonderer
Lost in my own footprints
Following my own footsteps
Never resting
Never settling
Never sure where I will go
Carried like
A
Leaf
On the
Bitter
Blazing wind…
Do you see me?

If I am a child
Who still wants to
Be loved
Like a child
If I cry at night
And hug my pillow
And whisper lullabies
I wish someone else
Would sing to me
Do you see me?

If I am very fat
Or I am very sick
If I am a ‘cripple’
If I can’t walk
If I cannot think
The way so many people think
If I am broken
Beyond sanity
From love
And gunfire
And the memories
Or if I just ate
Things that made me
Forget
Do you see me?

If I am the faggot
That I’ve heard is so
Sinful
And wrong
And justified
And born this way
And inexcusable
And perfectly fine
And just an inch from
Dying
Do you see me?

Do you see me?
Do you see me?
Do you see me?

Somewhere in this
Beautiful mire
I am one of these people
Who you pass by every day
Who has a story
Who has a purpose
Who has a fire
raging in their heart
And a smile on their face
And a sad song
Playing in their head
Do you see me?

Can you see me?

Will you see me?

What Good Does That Do
If You Will Not See 
The Other Faces?

If you will not look
Unless I am Joan
Unless I am a nomad
Unless I am a child
Unless I am unhealthy
Unless I am gay
Unless I am like you
Unless I am different
Unless you love me
Unless you hate me

If you do not see
The other humans
Why do you think
You have seen even one?

Because we all have a story
We all have a purpose
We all have a fire
raging in our heart
And a smile on our face
And a sad song
Playing in our head

Do you see them?
Do you see us?
Do you see me?

Raucous Sunshine

Right now I can see a vivid fog of light

As it tumbles around the edges of my curtain,

Under and around, spilling like gold into the

Corners of my eyes, so blinding in its 

Opulent platinum shine: I am pinned

Under its white-gold stare

Somehow I feel like it rings in my ears

Sunlight is like magic: it peels away the grey

Until there is nothing left but blinding life

Now I can hear birds singing to each other

Shouting to be heard over one another

Hoping that their song will win favor

In this dazzling new world in which

No one can keep silent, or feel hopeless
Even I 
am in love with this Raucous Sunshine

A New and Quiet World

At last the world has become quiet

Now I can hear the far-off echo of the growing of trees
Every now and again birds’ songs creep in through my
Window: teeny tiny thieves to steal my heart and my imagination

As I write, a soft, friendly discourse is place
Near my bedroom window: a conversation between blackbirds
Dear strangers… they will argue in muted tones for hours to come

Questions and answers fall silent now, their
Usual cacophony drowned out of my mind.
In an instant – a single spring – life has returned to the
Earth, and with it
The earth’s native hush…

When man does not cross his threshold, whether to help
Or to hurt, then the glorious buzz of nature
Returns to reclaim the ruins of the world
Let me not forget this horrific and beautiful muted-ness: no
Don’t let me forget this new and quiet world

Sunbeam Meditations

Somehow the whole world shines today
Under this sapphire sky I
Now perceive a bright and
Blazing new world in which
Each particle of light, or vein on a leaf
Acts as a prism reflecting
Myriad colors, lights, and possibilities

Maybe only I can see this world…
Everyone else is just passing through
Dust is just dust to them… but
In my sunlit universe
There is an ocean of refracted life
A tumultuous wreckage of visible grace
Today – as so many days –
I find myself a part of this riotous beauty
Over and over I wonder at the purity of it
Noticing bird song, dust motes, the spring breeze:
Sunlit, as if for the very first time

Now I See – Never Alone (letter ‘N’ challenge)

Now, for a moment, I see clearly
Now I begin to comprehend
Now, at last, from my
new vantage point, I understand

Not for one moment did we give up
Never once have we
navigated the oncoming hell alone
No one of our fallen has been forgotten
not for one heartbeat
not for one breath
Now, more than ever, the heroes arise
Now, in the darkness, we can give off light

“Not one more” cry our conjoined hearts
“Never again!”
Now we pick up pieces
Now we repair and we mend

Not the end, of course,
No. Where it ends,
none can know. But now…
Now we understand that we are
not enemies in this war

Now…
Now I finally see it
Not bright… but burning the horizon
Not blinding in its light, but in its potential:
New day
New heroes
New appreciation
New kindness
New unity
New faith
New day by day

Nations suffering together
Neighbors waiting for the dawn

Now for our family
Now for our friends
Now for the chance to bring healing again

Not for the ‘normal’ we’ll never reclaim
Not for glory, and
not – mark me –
not for today…

Not, but for tomorrow:
Never Give Up

Never go gentle into this goodnight
Not so close to the morning light
Never walk away from your
neighbors’
needs
Never Stand Down
Never Look Back
Never Give Up

Now more than ever, you are
Never Alone

Once More (letter ‘O’ challenge)

Over and over I

Open a page to write

on, pen in hand poised

over the page…

Only to realize

once again that I’m

overly anxious

One after another I close the

open pages…

only to open them

once more

“Onward” my heart whispers

“Onward! Don’t look back!

Only death is behind you: so

onward,

onward,

onward.”

Once you

open your heart,

open your words,

open a page

of courage, then

of course the words will come. But

Only then, when you’re brave,

only when you risk: so

open,

open,

onward,

onward,

over and

over,

on and

on,

only looking ahead

only acting on faith

Once fearful, now

only fearless.

Once more unto the breach

Once more

Onwards

Open

Once more

Once, twice… A thousand

‘Once More’s

 

 

In the Indigo (letter ‘I’ challenge)

Is
It
In me now
If
I look
Is it in me to hope?

Is there something growing
In the dust that
I once was?

If there
Is then let me water
It with my tears.

If there
Is hope then there
Is life and
It
Is worth protecting

In the darkest places
I have seen life flourish
It can be here
It could be now

I have a tiny
Infinitesimal flicker
In me

It is the light of hope, and
It burns like
It has never seen the dark

I want to burn
In the same way, even
If it chars me
Into ashes

I would be that candle
In the endless, yawning dark
I want to bear that same brave light
Inside of me

It’s not
Impossible
It might be
Improbable but
It is never
Impossible

I will flicker and
Ignite
In the darkness
Intently burning
In my endless
Indigo night

Til Tomorrow (letter ‘T’ challenge)

This is not the day that we are safe

This is not

The day

That we are healthy

That day is still a long way off

There is so much left

To do…

To not do…

To learn and grow from before

That day comes

Today is a day of grieving

Today is a day of fright

Today is a day that we’ll

Tell our children about

To inspire them

To value their health…

Today is the day that we pray,

That we fight,

That we lay ground work

Today is a day for missing

The people who you

Took for granted yesterday

Today is

To remind us

That doing

The

Terrifying

Things we wanted

To avoid is a privilege

That it is a luxury:

To remind us

To cherish

Those struggles when

They are finally returned to us

Today is boring

Today is painful

Today is strenuous and

Trying, as

Though it will never be

Through

Today is exhausting, but

Tomorrow is on the move